Beast Meridian and grief and mental illness

I have to admit, I struggled with this book at first.
I found, as I first began to read it- my focus began to fluctuate- I was fascinated and excited by the unusual formatting- but this is also what caused me to continuously loose concentration. I found myself getting carried away in other mental tangents while trying to decipher her complex codes. The "A.D.H.D" riddled child within me was both flustered and appeased.The seemingly nonsensical dissonance- not making any sense, yet incredibly familiar.

As I continue to read the collection- I found other things that felt quite familiar. After re-reading it- I think this book is incredibly brilliant. Villarreal manages to break so many boundaries around language that my entire perception of storytelling has changed.

I connected deeply with her- and her journey through mental health. I felt the chaos in my mind and soul being reflected back at me on those pages. The fragmentation of the memory, and of perception, that happens when one is stricken with grief, is really hard to express in words. I found that Villarreal did an excellent job of doing this by creating literal shapes on the pages. fragments. dividends of her imagination mixed with her memories become fiction become poems. I have recently been pondering how I can begin to write about death and grief- and I think Villarreal did such a perfect job at it.

I was also struck by her constant reference to the Gulf Pines- the facility that she was in. Using "Pines" sporadically throughout her work showed just how impactful her experience there was. how it has infiltrated every aspect of her perception. yet she often uses the word Pines in a kind of loving way- as if by "returning to the Pines" she means "return home."

As she moved into A Halo of Beasts (pt. 2) I learned that the pain we share- grief- does not equate mental illness. The splintered consciousness that we must embody as brown Americans is one riddle with ancient grief, and to feel and express that grief is not to be insane. Or maybe it is- maybe the insanity is what makes this book so beautiful. So vulnerable. Maybe the insanity of this reality is what makes us all so beautiful, because despite our grief and our ancestral dissonance- we survive.